We only want to know what you want or need to tell us - we are a small family run business and have no intention of passing on any information to anyone unless we have our arms twisted by law. We may or may not update you with information if you have asked us to, otherwise your secrets are safe with us.
Quite frankly whats below is a standard text, we've edited it where we can to make it more obvious that we will keep your information as private as we can.
2. We are committed to ensuring that your privacy is protected at all times.
3. We may change this policy from time to time by updating this page
PERSONAL INFORMATION WE COLLECT WHEN YOU VISIT OUR WEBSITE
4. When you visit our website, we'll collect certain information about the device you are using to access it. This will include information about the website browser you are using and the IP address of your internet connection. We may also identify your device with a unique, randomly generated, identifier.
5. As you browse our website we'll apparently continue to collect information about the website pages that you look at during your visit, how long you visit them, and what links you click on each page. We may also record what keywords you used to locate our website and what third-party website referred you to our website. Quite how we access that or what we do with it is a complete mystery to us.
6. The information we collect about you is referred to as Device Information. (now your'e a "droid") It's not personally identifiable to you (for example, we don't collect or associate your name or address with this Device Information) and it's not stored on our systems for any longer than we need to store it in order to allow you to use our website for the purposes in which it is intended. (Obviously the machine has a dementure algorithm installed)
7. We collect Device Information from you using Cookies (apparently these do not contain chocolate). These are small data files that are placed on the browser you use, on your device, to visit the website. Cookies often include an anonymous and unique identifier (so we know it's your device), isn't that clever!
8. Certain cookies are placed on our website in order to make it work. For example, when you add items to the shopping basket/cart we need to store this information on a cookie. Where cookies we place on your computer are:
- Not identifiable to you as a living person, (and the alternative is ???) and
- Only placed in order to fulfil the inherent functions of an ecommerce website (but what are the "inherent functions" of e-commerce we wonder)
we won't ask for your permission before we place them. (we wont even ask our permission it all works by "magic and wizards and stuff like that)
10. We may, from time to time, also collect information about your actions on the website and record those actions in log files. (This obviously conforms to Newtons 3rd Law of Motion "Every Action has an equal and opposite reaction") This data will include your IP address and may include the device that you are using, the browser that you are using, your internet service provider and be attached to date and time stamps. We'll only include this information for as long as necessary. (Or until the system crashes)
PERSONAL INFORMATION WE COLLECT WHEN YOU MAKE A PURCHASE OR REGISTER FOR AN ACCOUNT
11. When you use our website to make a purchase of one of the goods or services that we offer for sale, or when you register for an account on our website (without making a purchase) you may be asked to provide certain personal information about you.
12. Such information we collect may include:
- Your name
- Your address
- Your contact information (like your telephone number or email address)
- Your date of birth (or in the case of a droid date of first boot up) or for that matter if you are a Zombie date of first death I assume).
13. When you make a purchase on our website you may also be asked to enter your credit or debit card details. You may be redirected to a 'payment gateway' website to enter your card details, or you might be asked to enter these directly onto our website. (unlikely, we dont know how to do that yet..)
14. Your full credit or debit card details are never stored on any databases we hold. (Ha ha and we thought we didn't hold databases, we thought they we abstract concepts, retained in a great big electronic system in a Microsoft "Warehouse") You may be asked if you want to 'store' your purchase information for faster checkout at a later date, where you do store this information the full card information is never stored on any databases we hold. Instead we send the full information to our payment processor, who then send back a secure 'token' which we then use to place future purchases. To help you identify stored cards, we may store the last 4 digits of the card, the type of card (e.g. Visa or MasterCard) and the expiry date. (And we all know banks never make mistakes or loose information so we are good there)
Where you wish, you can always delete a stored card within your customer account.
15. We call this data Personal Information. (Wow fancy that)
HOW WE USE PERSONAL INFORMATION AND DEVICE INFORMATION
16. We use Device Information we collect in order to help us screen for potential risk and fraud, (no we dont.... we have no clue about how to screen for potential fraud, we call the cops if anything "untoward" happens.. They'll get right on it.. when the answer the phone..) to improve and optimise our website (by generating data about how our customers browse and interact with our website) and to analyse the success of our marketing and other advertising campaigns.
17. We use Personal Information that we collect to fulfil any order that you place and to communicate with you as one of our customers. We may also use this information to screen for potential risk and fraud.
18. With your consent, we may, from time to time, provide you with information or advertising relating to the products and services that we provide. (If by that we mean we may send you a note to say what fish is on offer then Yep, that's what we do..)
SHARING YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION AND DEVICE INFORMATION
19. We will share personal information and device information with third parties in their capacity as a data processor on our behalf. We'll only share your information with third parties in so far as they assist us with using your information. (not sure this makes sense "assist US with using your information)
20. We may also share your personal information and device information in order to comply with applicable laws and regulations or to respond to any lawful request for information we receive, or to otherwise protect our rights. (Like Daleks...We will OBEY)
RE-MARKETING AND BEHAVIOURAL ADVERTISING
21. We may, from time to time, share your device or personal information to provide you with targeted advertisements or marketing communications we believe might be of interest to you. (More by luck than judgement!!) This may include sharing some of your information with third party networks such as Google, Bing or Facebook. (Yea man.. Those overpaid dope filled junkies in California who we have come to trust..)
DO NOT TRACK
22. Our website does not alter it's data collection and use practices when we see a Do Not Track signal from your browser.
23. If you are a resident of a country where the European Union's GDPR is applicable, you have certain rights. (Yep you have the right to be ruled by unelected faceless bureacrats in Brussels who dine out on your dime and make up rules to keep themselves in jobs..) (Did that sound too jaded ??)
24. To exercise your rights to access your data, receive a copy of that data, or to rectify a mistake, please contact us. (Drop us a note, you can certainly have what we have which is... confusion)
26. For more information please contact us using the details below. (I bet no one actually ever reads this....) If they do I'll deny ever writing it..